437 days we’ve been trying for our baby. Praying and pleading and begging God for another child. The past 15 months have been some of the hardest. The emotional roller coaster that goes along with it is exhausting. I’m so ready for this to be over. I go in tomorrow for a blood test to see if my double IUI worked this month. There were 47 million sperm placed directly next to two large mature eggs. How on earth is it physically possible for me not to be pregnant? I don’t know…but sadly I’m afraid its true. I’ve taken six tests all negative. The last one if I hold it in the light and squint really hard I might be able to see a faint outline of a line. But I’ve seen this faint outline of a line many times before. Its amazing how you gain this ability to see a line where no line is after a while.
I’m not sure what God has planned for me to learn by this journey but I’m so ready for it to be over. The emotions seem to go in cycles. Sadness, bitterness, anger, depression, peace…and all over again. Once I think I’m to a point where I’m at peace with it all…another feeling slowly creeps in. I see a girl pregnant who is 16 and I think why God. I hear of a woman pregnant who got pregnant with a man she is having an affair with and she is also using drugs during her pregnancy. How on earth God do you bless her and not me!! I hear a friend complaining about being pregnant and how miserable she is and how unhappy she was about getting pregnant because they were on birth control. What I would give to be so miserable…she has no clue what misery feels like. And then anger sets in and then a few days later I find I can’t get off the couch. I can’t motivate myself to do any of the things I normally love. I feel like a horrible mom when my precious miracle asks me 50 times a day, “mommy, are you happy?” And the pain, I think that’s the worst of all the emotions. Its gut wrenching almost every single month when I find out its not going to happen again. When I see the age gap grow larger between my son and my future child. The pain is just so indescribable. Like a part of me is missing and I can’t get it back. Like the greatest gift a woman can ever obtain is being withheld from me for some reason.
Another thing that makes this so hard is I’m one of those few rare women who love pregnancy. And even rarer…love childbirth. I loved the whole experience, every step of it. The beginning of pregnancy where all the feelings were totally new and foreign and how it made me feel like a woman like never before. The middle stages of pregnancy where you gain all your energy back and you glow. How you feel the baby move inside of you, how beautiful you feel. The end, as miserable as I was, just knowing how close you are to the most pivotal moment in your entire life. And the birth…wow…birth is just so amazing to me. How my body was able to completely do everything all on its own without my help. I was so amazed by how it all happened. It gave me a new feeling of “girl power”. And then I held my little guy for the first time ever… Ok…I could go on and on about every journey of the past 3 years and how amazing they are to watch your little one grow.
I want to experience it all again. Even if its completely different and doesn’t work out quite so perfectly I don’t care. I want a large family, its always been a dream of mine. I want to give my little guy brothers and sisters to play with.
I have to believe its going to happen one day, but I start to lose hope. I don’t know how long we can do this. I know God doesn’t give us something we can’t handle, but it sure feels like it sometimes. I want my next baby so badly. I know you exist, please come home to me.
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